Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Strike A Pose

Brace yourselves for some honesty. Some raw, middle-of-the-night, why-did-i-drink-coffee-at-7:30-pm honesty. You ready? Here it is:

I am a poser.

If I take a good hard look at myself, I see that apparently my favorite activities are posing, posturing, preening... basically doing what I can to convince the rest of the world I'm pretty awesome. Which I am. See, there I go again! Shoot.

Seriously though, it is really ugly to watch if you know its happening. Take the following conversation I just had with a friend this evening:

Friend: Hey looks like you've been getting some sun lately.

Me: Oh yeah, I'm coaching a swim team so I'm outside a ton. Actually I got sunburned in the rain the other day. (i.e. I defy nature. How awesome is that.)

Friend: (apparently thinks this is interesting and launches into song about getting sunburned in the rain)

Me: Yeah, people are always saying 'Wow, you're tan!' like its a good thing. I forget that people here actually try to get tan... I really try not to, I don't want to get cancer! (i.e. Other people think my tan is awesome, but I am way too cool and health-conscious for that.)

This is just one example out of a million. See how I'm tricky about it? It doesn't really sound on the surface like I'm being a preening, posing, try-hard... but it's there if you're looking for it. Of course I know we all do this on some level; as humans we crave acknowledgment from one another. But it's still not pleasant to see that element of my broken human nature up close.

Why does it bother me so much? Because ultimately I want to become someone who has lost the taste for that, who no longer craves it. I want to believe God when He says that His grace is sufficient. I want to stop hearing it and start listening to it. I want to live on the razor's edge of face-to-the-dust humility and eyes-to-the-sky worship.

So here's something true I can say about myself - no posing or posturing now. My most precious asset is intimately linked with my most horrible fault, for I am the worst of all sinners (1Tim 1:15) and yet Christ loves me and died for me (Rom 5:8).


Colleen Anita Hamilton said...

I understand your frustration, but there is nothing wrong with wanting or craving the support or adoration of those surrounding us. What might need a thought, is what is behind the times that you crave that attention in meaningless moments or from what people? Are they strangers, people you don't know, loved ones? Maybe it is what's behind the need, not the fact that you need it.

Haley Ballast said...

i guess basically i think it shows that my heart is in the wrong place at those times... i am wasting time trying to win approval for myself instead of just loving other people in Jesus' name. i just see it as missed opportunities, where i could have been allowing the Holy Spirit to use me, but instead i am grasping for my own glory. from the example i gave it might seem like i'm over-analyzing or being too hard on myself... but this is not a one-time offense. i know it's ok to need and want human love and affection... but i HAVE those things. what i am after is basically the grown-up version of popularity, and seeing that truth makes me sick. but in all of this i am beyond thankful for a God who loves me enough to show me my sin...forgive it...and draw me into His presence in the process.