Wednesday, February 10, 2010

40 miles back



Freshman year of college I borrowed my friend's car to go to a retreat at Big Bear. I got in the left lane on the 10 freeway and drove for an hour before I realized that the freeway had split 40 miles back. Instead of being in Pamona, I was on I-5 North almost to Santa Clarita.

I get that feeling now and then. Like the scenery is all wrong and I can't figure out why I'm seeing signs for Cal State Northridge when I should be in the mountains above San Bernardino.

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This afternoon I noticed that Dexter was running a fever and the first thing I felt was relief. All I could think was that I now had a valid excuse to drop everything on my insane schedule tomorrow and stay home. Sick.

When did this happen?

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I'm fighting that cyclical thinking again, the downward spiral.

You are failing. Oh, don't get all upset - it's your own fault. If you're overwhelmed, you have no one to blame. Go have a pity party, but remember that other people in the world have
real problems, not these ridiculous self-absorbed head issues. Get over it. You know, your reaction to these feelings is really spiritually immature. I don't know why you think you have any place serving in the church with all your struggles. See? Now even that is a spiritually immature thing to think because it assumes self-reliance rather than God's grace. What do you even know about God's grace? Obviously not much, since you don't know how to extend it to yourself... which is why you are feeling the way you are. And now we're back where we started: it's your fault.

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Somewhere north of Granada Hills I got off the freeway. I looked at the map, turned around, and drove back down the San Fernando Valley, across LA County, and up into the San Bernardino National Forest. I was a little late, but it didn't matter. It's OK to get lost sometimes.

4 comments:

livingpalm said...

taking your words with me today and praying you'll know Grace (also, praying that for me, while I'm at it)

Rachel Ann said...

I'm wondering if you went to Biola, since I'm currently attending CSUN and it's about 40 miles from La Mirada...please tell me you went there. I bet we know a ton of the same people.

The downward spiral...stupid Enemy.

Haley Ballast said...

tamara... from the bottom of my heart, thank you. i absolutely need that prayer and God is faithfully answering it.

rachel ann, i went to USC but also knew/know lots of folks at biola. good ol' socal. :)

Sabrina said...

I recognize the tone of those "thoughts" you're having...sounds like the liar himself.